There are significant differences and undeniable consequences of an emotionally reactive, inconsistent parenting style and a responsive and consistent parenting style. In this post I will explain those differences and discuss the outcomes of each style’s distinct relationship to potential drug abuse and/or poor emotional regulation skills in adolescents.  Typically parents will transition between both styles of parenting. The degree of vacillation between the styles determines the degree of inconsistency.

The emotionally reactive parent is acting from fear. These parents tend to be permissive, often attempting to set limits and consequences then allowing the child to negotiate a lesser consequence and therefore allowing them to get their way. This creates an unpredictable environment for the child, encouraging the development of manipulation skills to maintain control over the parents to get their needs met and to avoid emotional discomfort that has resulted from their behavior. Control for the child is simply getting what they want or avoiding what they don’t want.

This dynamic plays out as follows. The parent tolerates a specific unwanted or concerning behavior for a period of time until emotional overload is reached. Once in overload, the parent emotionally reacts to the unwanted behavior by setting a limit or consequence.  The child will most likely protest by acting out for the following reasons: 1.)  The child has learned that a limit or a consequence is negotiable. 2.) The unwanted behavior has gone unchecked historically and any consequence now seems unfair to the child.

From the parent’s perspective there is possible guilt and discomfort associated with enforcing consequences towards the child for these reasons.  1.) The parent issued the consequence from an emotional head-space of anger and feels guilty.  2.) The parent just wants everything to be okay and has difficulty witnessing their child being uncomfortable due to a decision they made in anger.

The result is that the child is now able hold the parent hostage by either acting out or punishing the parent with the cold shoulder. The emotionally reactive parent will then scramble to make things right by compromising their boundaries so everything can be “okay” again. This can be seen in the justifying of a lesser consequence, or the all together giving in to the child’s manipulation.

The major problem with this style of parenting is that the child is the one controlling the situation. This creates an unsafe feeling for both the child and the parent.  Although the child has gotten what he/she wants in that moment, they have not gotten what they unconsciously need for healthy emotional development.  They do not learn the clear and safe consequences for harmful or unacceptable behavior. Ultimately there are no boundaries for the child because no doesn’t mean “no”. “No” is the beginning of a process which more times than not results in a “yes”.

As much as children will fight for their way and protest when they don’t get it, they want limits and boundaries. They want structure and predictability. When a parent says no and is willing to stick with it, they are communicating love to the child. They are communicating that they are willing to experience discomfort and expend energy because they care.  It is the child’s job to push for more freedom and to get what they want when they want it. It is the parents’ job to create a safe environment of solid leadership and guidance.

With a responsive, more consistent parenting style, the child knows what to expect and will therefore become less reactive when they hear the word “no”.  The parent will have a greater sense of control because they are addressing behaviors in the moment rather than avoiding conflict until they become angry.  By responding from a calm and assertive energy space, the parent will experience little or no guilt because their interaction with the child is more a matter of fact than a result of heated emotions. When the parent becomes heated, they act out of fear and frustration.  A parent that has established clear and firm boundaries and consistent consequences can act in confidence with their child.

Even though it is the parent enforcing the consequence, the child understands the parent is not responsible for it. The child then understands the consequences of leaving his room a mess or telling a lie. The responsibility falls on them. They are operating in a well-defined system, which is being enforced out of love.

Discomfort is a reality of life. We all experience it now and again. The tendency for parents to shelter their children from discomfort is natural.  However, parents need to choose carefully what they shelter their child from. If an abusive or inappropriate coach or bus driver is creating the discomfort, than by all means protect them.  If the discomfort is a result of a natural consequence of their behavior, they need to learn how to get through it.  The ability to tolerate emotional discomfort is crucial to becoming a healthy functional adult.

So many children have been taught to immediately seek an external solution upon feeling uncomfortable.  They want to “just make it go away”, regardless of the cost.  This unhealthy attitude is learned behavior; as is the healthy alternative of taking responsibility for their actions, realizing that they have a part in what they created, and most importantly, that they have the power to change it. Even though it’s mom and/or dad enforcing the consequences, it is not mom or dad’s fault nor is it their responsibility to “make it go away”.  The child may get upset and storm off to his room, but they will learn to cope with the disappointment safely and how to take responsibility for their actions.

It is my belief that drug abuse is common among children because they have not properly learned how to take responsibility for their behavior or how to deal with their discomfort.  They have learned to seek an immediate reprieve from bad feelings.  Due to parents functioning primarily out of guilt and a desire to “make it go away”, children are not given the opportunity to develop internal emotional regulation skills, integrity, or the confidence that comes from dealing with the reality of their choices.  Drug and alcohol abuse takes the place of these behavioral coping skills.

The good news is that these skills can be learned and adapted at any time in one’s life, providing the individual has even the slightest degree of willingness.  Thus giving those who saw “no way out” a true path to new behavior and a new way of life.

-Michael Harmann, MSW