Parents have far more influence over their teens behavior than they think, they just have to realize their power and use it wisely, which means being consistent and unemotional or responsive rather than reactionary.  If a parent is “uncomfortable” with certain aspects of their relationship with their teen or some of the teen’s behaviors and attitude then something must change.  Parents need to “check in” with themselves and ask, “How do I feel about this?”  or “Am I comfortable with this?” or “Does this feel right?”.  In other words, parents should not lose touch with their internal compass in the face of saying “no” and confronting discord or conflict with their children.  Parents are wise to clearly define their relationship with their teen on terms that they are comfortable with. Continuing to provide privileges for the teen despite failure on the teen’s part to comply with reasonable parental requests perpetuates and often exasperates noncompliance and disrespect.

As an example, I will use the Smith family to illustrate the philosophy. The Smiths have purchased a car for their son Jon. Jon is basically a functional kid, but is minimally communicative when it comes to where he is going, who is hanging out with, and is routinely late for curfew. When pressed by his parents for information he becomes angry often storms out and leaves in his car (that the parents pay for).  The Smiths are at a loss for how to handle Jon. They think they can’t take the car away because he needs it to get to school and they know that it would be a huge fight if they took the car away. Instead of putting their foot down, they continue to accept whatever info Jon offers. When the Smiths become fed up with Jon’s behavior, they get into arguments with Jon and make threats that Jon knows the parents will never act on. He knows this because the parents have failed to act on threats in the past. Jon knows he runs the show. He’s in control.

In this scenario, I would suggest that the parents sit down with Jon and clearly define what they expect from him in return for use of the car. The Smiths will make it clear that they trust their son, but as parents have the right to know where he is going, who he will be with, and what time he will return home. They may also insist that he call them if plans change. The Smiths will make it clear that things are going to change or the car will be taken away and he can take the bus if he wishes to go to school.

Jon will inevitably test his parents resolve on the issue. The Smiths then must follow through on taking the car for whatever time they see fit. Jon will protest and act-out, but with consistency, he will soon come to realize that if he does “x” then “y” will inevitably happen. Jon does not have to like it.  As a teen it is his job to demand freedom.  As parents it is your job to set clear boundaries and follow through on what you say you will do. If Jon’s use of the car makes you “uncomfortable” then you must take the car away until some form of resolution has been reached.

Our world works on a reciprocal system and parents need to establish “give and take” relationships with their off-spring and not empower their teens to expect more and more as their God-given right. Everyone should have responsibilities to uphold and parents must create the model of a functional relationship with their children.  If one fails to meet their responsibilities, then there must be consequences.  A parent’s love is unconditional.  Basic provisions for raising children are expected (ie: Food, shelter, education, medical care) but there is much more that parents provide.  Luxuries including allowance, a car, car insurance, electronics, video games, and movie rentals are all items that many teens are provided and could not afford without the parents added support.  But are parents “giving” and not “getting” in return?  There needs to be equality in relationships between parents and their teens.

Parent’s may hold on too tight to their teen and allow their own fears to cause them to demand an unrealistic amount of control unlike the scenario with Jon which is an example of where parents are well within reason to demand change and impose consequences.  Remember, each day is a new opportunity to become an a more effective parent. Don’t let the fact that you’ve operated one way for so long discourage you from learning and changing.